chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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