when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I had to cum in my sink.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
