For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
