Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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