I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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