My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
The feeling are messing with the penis
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
