I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
