he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
