Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
