I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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