i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
