Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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