while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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