You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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