if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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