true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
