he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
