its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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