If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Randomize
