Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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