You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
