I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I need a beard to bite.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
