Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
