If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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