I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
