and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
where are my eyebrows?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
