The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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