In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I love having hate sex.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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