I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
