Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
