I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
