What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
