Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
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Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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