I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I met the friendliest cop last night
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.