genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus