You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
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It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?