Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize