I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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