I cannot find my penis.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
do nipples grow back?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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