If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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