I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
