you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
