I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
