I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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