Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
