You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
