Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
