hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Drunk is a universal language darling
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
