So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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