i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
