$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
