He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
