Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
