Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
