you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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