He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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