so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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